Susan and I have a new method for fighting.

We start with her expressing what is pissing her off, stream-of-consciousness.

When she is done, I steelman her grievances, speaking as much as I can from her perspective — as her addressing me. I attempt to method act her point of view, adding sarcasm, emotional digs and expressive flourishes to indicate insight into her feelings as well as her thoughts.

Then she piles on, with additional points I neglected to mention, which I integrate into the overall argument.

Essentially, we collaborate on kicking my ass as thoroughly and brutally as possible, until she feels everything has been said as thoroughly, clearly and forcefully as possible. She says this process helps her feel thoroughly understood.

Only after she ratifies my understanding do I try to answer her points. Obviously it’s pretty easy to steelman my own perspective.

We try to do the same steelmanning and method acting of possible resolutions of our differences. Again, we collaborate on a shared perspective on how we want to proceed.

This is essentially polycentered design applied to domestic conflict.

I feel fortunate to belong to a two-person organization with this kind of collaborative culture.