Why excuse poor behavior, when you can romanticize it? Some hifalutin euphemisms:

• “I abide in eternity.” (I am bad at time management.)
• “I can’t get along with the other kids.” (I quarrel way too damn much.)
• “Brimstone is my fossil fuel.” (I have a productive relationship with pain.)
• “I have an industrial strength philosopher’s stone.” (All my best ideas are inspired by feeling like shit.)